ya dads aren't the best wingmen
We're facebook friends in real life
there's paper in my vomit.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
