I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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