I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
