I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
