Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
