Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
