he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
