a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
