I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
