I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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