The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
