3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
