Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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