Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
