Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
