He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
