I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
