Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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