in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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