My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
