see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
