I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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