He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I see more hoeing in ur future
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