I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
