the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
