Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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