He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
