You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
