new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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