She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
