every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
