when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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