She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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