i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
