Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
