I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
