Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
