My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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