whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
