Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
