My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
