So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
