Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
