explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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