I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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