Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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