If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
