FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
