btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
