So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
