He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You made out with two different species that night
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
